Diary: Writing a Diary

Several months ago, I started keeping a log of my crossdressing sessions. I've been curious about identifying habits, patterns, and themes over time. I had an identical process years ago, but I stopped when it became tedious to record all the details after the fact.

Recently, I realized that it would be sort of fun to describe at least some of these sessions publicly. There's some value to others in reading about my real-life experiences; and there's a certain thrill I get out of writing about it. There's a huge amount of fiction out there that purports to do this, but veers into fantasy. This is going to be quite a bit more boring, but will likely include some description of what I'm fantasizing about.

Enjoy!

The Trouble with Secrecy

I very recently became a father. Since my wife is in no condition to have sex yet, I have no other outlet for my raging desires other than some barely satisfying dry humping, and my ever-rarer secret girlification sessions.

Of course, this would be much easier if only she knew and approved of my intense desire to become feminine, but she doesn't, and I'm not ready for her to find out, especially now. Therefore, my ability to indulge, and even to write about it, is severely curtailed.

I would love to let her in on my secret, but it's so far past the point of keeping a secret now that it's a terrible lie. I truly and deeply love her, and my new baby, and I wouldn't dare jeopardize my relationship with them both. As much as I love to fantasize about being a girl, my public life has time and again proven to be more important to me. Forced to choose, I choose my family.

All the same, I am unable to give up my compulsion. I sneak into a bikini and heels the moment she leaves the house, whenever I'm sure she'll be gone for a while. And I love every second of it! I don't think I can ever completely give it up, but I can't imagine that it's going to remain this easy to hide my habit from my growing family forever. Therefore, I have to indulge while I still can.

The Long-Lost Diary

At last, I've gotten around to publishing my long lost diary, which goes all the way back to the mid-90's. It tracks my thoughts and fantasies through all those years.

Feel free to start at the very beginning. I've added some commentary here and there to explain some things. Rereading it was fascinating for me, as I relived some key events in my development as a sissy. Here it is for posterity, for the whole world to enjoy. Names of people and places have been censored to protect the innocent.

Enjoy!

Diary: Stages

The stages:

1. awareness: subject becomes aware that some men wear women's clothing for a sexual kick
   
   • - understands that it's not just for fags
2. awakening: subject understands the erotic appeal
   
   • understands the inherent femininity of women's underwear, skirts, bathing suits, etc.
   • feels a slight flush of curiosity about bondage scenarios with forced feminization, and what it would do to a man
3. experimentation: subject is curious enough to try for himself
   
   • tries on some fetish (stockings, underwear, bathing suit, whatever) either by "force" (visit to a dominatrix) or out of boredom, and fulfills himself sexually with it
     
4. humiliation: subject begins to worry that his experiments are destroying his manhood
   
   • as experimentation repeats, and becomes a habit, our subject denies himself as much as possible
   • rationalizes by saying he likes the feel of tight silk against his crotch, that it has nothing to do with panties being feminine
5. escalation: subject tries on skankier and skankier clothes, as his humiliation drives his desire (this may require more explanation)
   
   • prolonged privation leads to exponentially increased desire: the longer he goes without wearing panties (or whatever), the more extreme his fantasies become.
     This is absolutely key: his fantasies from the beginning are about becoming feminine, but he's hardly even aware of it.  It drives his first fantasies, but doesn't fully enter his consciousness, because he's rationalizing it.  As he denies himself, the fantasies, unfulfilled, have more time to develop, and creep more into his conscious mind.  When he eventually gives in to his irrational desires, mere panties aren't good enough: in his fantasies, he's becoming completely female, and so he wants his reality to come closer to his overwhelming fantasy.  He gets himself a bra, and is shocked at how it magnifies his climax.  It also magnifies his shame, and leads him to deny himself again.  This in turn leads to even more outrageous fantasies, which he eventually fulfills by wearing something even more feminine.  Before he knows it, he's wearing lingerie, stockings, heels, makeup, etc. and hating himself more and more for it.
   • "I'm not gay"
   • subject is in denial about his secret cocksucking fantasies
   • subject invariably feels deep shame when he comes, and when not under the grip of his fantasies, wants to abandon them (which makes them so much more potent)
     
6. capitulation: subject accepts and understands that he now wants to be a girl (still privately)
   
   • accepts that he dresses up because he wants to be feminine
   • unabashedly fantasizes about sucking cock
7. exhibition: subject comes out of closet
   
   • everything was hidden up to now.
   • wears at least something feminine at all times
   • strives to go out in drag, hoping to pass
   • parties at gay bars, trolling for cock
   • gets fucked by men
8. transformation: subject strives to physically become a woman through surgery, hormones, etc.
   
• ultimate fulfillment: growing boobs, having vaginoplasty, feeling a cock pump giz into neovagina

Diary: Contemplating Coming Clean

Lately I've been fantasizing about ordering some swimwear, lingerie and shoes online and having it delivered in a plain FedEx box to my office.  I would then hide my new fetish items somewhere and indulge in them whenever my wife isn't around.

At times, I feel ridiculous about it.  Will I be able to hide it properly from her?  Will anyone notice where the packages are coming from when they arrive at the office?  How often will I even be able to use it?  Is it worth the risk?  Other times, I am overwhelmed with longing for self-feminization.  Last night, I masturbated in the dining room while browsing for such toys, imagining myself sneaking into the garage and slipping into that glorious silver one-piece swimsuit from Ujena, while T__ sleeps upstairs, none the wiser.  I felt shame when I ejaculated, but I was aroused all night. 

Even now, having made raucous love with her only an hour and a half ago, I gravitate here to ponder my secret feminization.  I have finally developped the setting for my story: the fictional world and characters that I've sought all my life just happen to be centered around my perversion.  I want to write about it, develop a web site around it, possibly make some money from it.  How can I possibly do this in secret?  I love my wife, but I have never had the guts to even hint at my secret desires.  How can we be complete together when she doesn't know this most essential truth about me?

Thus, I have inevitably begun to imagine what it would be like for her to know.  I would tell her somehow, break it to her gently, but unequivocably.  What follows, I can only imagine now.  I present a few scenarios, plausible or not, of how it might shake down.

Pessimistic

She's in denial at first.  Then I prove it to her somehow.  She's devastated.  She's horrified.  She cries for days, refuses to speak to me.  She tells everybody, and I'm publicly shamed and humiliated.  She files for an annulment.  Meanwhile, I continue to cavort in my stash of undies, but I lose my intimate companion, my wife.  Remember, I suffered such terrible despair before I met her.  It would be unbearable, if not for my pathetic outlet.

Optimistic

Denial, as always.  She understands immediately what I'm going through, and she's a bit surprised about it, but enthusiastic about sharing some clothes.  She wants us to shop for lingerie as soon as possible, and we immediately romp around in her lingerie.  It becomes a staple of our sex play.

Cautiously Optimistic

She hates the idea.  I have crushed her image of me as a masculine sexual powerhouse.  She's appalled that I've spent so much of my spare time over the years contemplating this sick delusion of mine.  She's livid that I've worn her clothes, and masturbated in them.  She weeps for days.  She hates me.  But she can't stay upset with me, because she loves me.  She forgives me, and learns to understand and support my fetish.  She adapts to it, and eventually finds it delightfully kinky.  She indulges me once in a while, but I have to do her some serious favours to earn the right to do it.  We work out a deal that when I buy her lingerie, I get some for me, too.

Realistic

She'll be devastated, there's no question.  But she'll come around.  She'll lose a lot of respect for me, and feel terribly betrayed that I never told her before we got married.  She won't understand that I still love her, and that I'm not gay.  She will insist that I stop, that I never do it again, and that I seek help to kick the habit.

I'm almost fantasizing about wearing that silver swimsuit in the bedroom with her.  She'd indulge me to the point of having me shave my body and prance around like a girl.  She'd do my makeup and we'd giggle like schoolgirls as we model lingerie.

Perhaps it's preposterous, but damn would it ever make my life easier.  I wouldn't have to hide (unless I indulge when she's not around), and I could keep my stash in plain view.  However, as I figured above, it's highly unlikely that she'd accept it.  Moreover, the more I sneak around, and the more careless I get, the more I risk getting caught.  Part of the reason I want my own stash is to avoid using her clothes, and therefore avoid damaging or soiling them.  Also, I get to choose whatever strikes my fancy, as long as I can order it inconspicuously.  The drawback, of course, is always the risk of her finding it, or worse, catching me in flagrante.  It's pretty well guaranteed to happen eventually.

In conclusion, I really must come clean, no matter what.  It's going to be extremely difficult, and most likely extremely painful, but it must be done, somehow.  At least by telling her, it wouldn't be so much of a shock, and it wouldn't be so heartbreaking.

Too bad it'll never happen.

What I need to do is lead her to it.  I've been thinking about really emphasising the lingerie for the next little while.  Then I can start admitting at the very least that I have a thing for ladies' underwear.  I can reinforce it slowly, and work up to how I have stolen some before.  I can gauge her reaction to know how far to go.  But I must not stop.  I have to continue until she knows all about it, and is sworn to secrecy.

Diary: Addictions vs. Fetishes

The author of The Artist’s Way talks about letting all your thoughts flow freely.  Suppressing thoughts is anathema.  It further adds that artists should pursue luxuries.  Artists should not deny themselves the things they enjoy.  On the other hand, it also mentions destructive habits – mostly addictions – as something to be avoided.  She cites watching TV, hanging out with leeching friends, and anything that gets in the way of creative impulses. 

This leads me to wonder about addictions.  Many artists use substances or behaviour to fuel their creativity.  They come to depend on their addictions for their creative output.  Cameron would look at it the other way, and say that the withdrawal pangs inhibit creativity that would otherwise flow as freely as at any other time.

The whole process seems geared towards removing inhibitions, to discover the true self, and allow it to thrive.

But what about fetishes?  Are they addictions or expressions of self?

On one hand, a fetish is very much like an addiction: it is an urgent physical need that requires fulfillment.  It is an affliction that can get in the way of clear thinking, and distract the artist from his duties.  It can possess him to the point where it is all he can think about.  On the other hand, it is an expression of the deepest, most secret inner desires.  What is a fetish but the fulfillment of repressed, hidden tastes?  Is it not therefore a clear manifestation of the inner child?

I remember the moment I came to terms with my own fetish, which I had been fighting unsuccessfully since childhood.  I must have been almost twenty.  I had spent the last several months trying desperately to purge myself of what I considered my unfortunate and deplorable habit.  I had disposed of all the objects of my fetish.  While it felt at the time like I was taking charge of an addiction, and working towards conquering it, I had become desperate to fulfill my fantasies again.  I had just barely started trying to write, to unblock myself.  The computer I used was in the family room, where everyone watched television.  I tried to concentrate, but realized that there was something I needed to release. 

My mother had recently returned from a trip to somewhere sunny.  She had had to buy a new bathing suit there to replace the ones that I had stolen to fulfill my fetish.  She left it hanging in the laundry room for a few days, where it tempted me like a carrot on a stick.  I glared at it every time I passed by the laundry room, eager to steal away with it, but resisting with every ounce of my willpower.  How I tortured myself! 

I found myself slogging away at the computer, trying hopelessly to describe the general despair that I felt in those days, trying to make some sense of it in some creative, poetic way.  I had no idea what was bothering me so much, so I tried my hand at writing something – anything – to clear my head.  Only a sheet of drywall separated me from the object of my desire.  I couldn’t think of anything else.  I realized that I was completely alone: everyone else had gone to bed.  I could easily sneak into the laundry room, snag the bathing suit, and scurry off to my bedroom where I could enjoy it in private.  Again, I found myself fighting my intense desire to wear women’s clothing.  Something had to break.

So I did.  I had made up my mind.  Possessed by desire, I couldn’t contain the words anymore.  At first I let myself write it as a dare, just to see how it would feel.  It wasn’t even a sentence of its own: I finished an abortive sentence about my own poor state of mind with the words: “because I love to wear women’s clothes.”  I read it back to myself and immediately deleted it, looking over my shoulder and peeking out the door to reassure myself that no one was around.  It was exhilarating.  I tried it again, this time in its own sentence: “I love wearing girls’ swimsuits.”  I left it there for a while longer, blushing with excitement. 

I had discovered what was blocking my creativity.  I found a story to write, and I couldn’t stop myself.  I wrote about how I had been tortured with this affliction since I was very young, and how I had tried so many times to stop myself from acting out my fantasies of dressing up in girls’ clothes, but always returned.  No matter what I did, I could never stop fantasizing about being turned into a girl by wearing sexy bathing suits and lingerie.  I frequently stole things from my mother or my friend’s sister to satisfy my cravings.  I always experimented with great trepidation, both frightened and eager to take my fantasy to the next level.  I started when I was five years old.  Every time I pleasured myself over my fantasy – particularly when I enacted it with real clothes – I felt the deepest shame, and vowed to never do it again.  My story told of all the incidents I could think of when something significant happened in the development of my fantasy.  This would be the most significant moment of all.

As I wrote, I recognized, accepted, and celebrated my fantasies.  I could no longer deny my feminine impulses.  From that moment on, I promised myself that I would never feel shame again about my dirty little secret.  I would not admit it to anyone but myself; but I swore to run off to my room with that pink and purple flowery one-piece swimsuit, make myself as feminine as possible with it, and feel not a whit of shame about it.  I swore that I would wear it again and again, as often as I saw fit, because it felt so incredibly good.  There would no longer be any point in berating myself over something that is an intrinsic part of me.  Instead, I would congratulate myself for having discovered something so intensely fun.  Over the last ten years, I have added hundreds of pages of transsexual fantasy to that same document. 

Now, the problem: admitting this to myself was a giant step in becoming comfortable with myself.  However, every time I write, it degenerates into a masturbatory fantasy that I never reread or edit.  It serves to send me to bed with some distinct fantasy in mind, and that’s all.  It’s an addiction that I have immense trouble overcoming, and that seems to get in the way of my more serious literary ambitions.

Now that I write this, I see the answer (or at least I think I do): That’s what I should be writing about.  I shouldn't be ashamed of my masturbatory fantasies.  I should develop them instead of relegating them to some notion that they’re not good enough.  There are plenty of places to submit them to.  I know that I can write better than many of the hacks who submit stories to fantasy sites.  So this is where my muse is leading me.

Diary: Re-Over-Thinking the Massive Forced Feminization Saga

I think I’ve got the right spin on the mega-story now.

Clearly, it’s too cold now as it stands.  I am missing the accusatory aspect, and I am also missing the element of decision.  It seems that far too many of my candidates are much too willing, and have very little surprise in store.  Also, the first grade courses are far too general.  I think now that all our candidates must begin in Grade 1, and move through the ranks accordingly.

Most importantly, I have isolated what I think is the key turning point in a man’s thought on his way to becoming a woman.  The programme must therefore change its focus slightly, and become more covert about its ultimate goal.  The only thing left is finding a reason for all these men to be in this situation.  All I can think of is prison, and a psycho-social experiment that they each volunteer to participate in to reduce their jail time – or perhaps an alternative sentence.  They can have no idea what the end goal is, but they are all carefully screened and enlisted in the scientific way I have described above.  

Thus the course begins as an exercise in defining female beauty.  All of the men are asked to scour girlie magazines, the internet, or anything at all to find materials upon which to base their study.  They all participate with great enthusiasm to this initial exercise, without knowing the ulterior motive: each man will be subtly encouraged to emulate his paragon of femininity.  It’s a twist on the story of the man who so admired Elle MacPherson’s beauty that he moulded himself in her image.  Here we will have 125 men all choosing an ideal, and finally becoming it.

Grade 1’s goal therefore changes, although the rating system remains intact.  Rather than embarking on some poorly defined, vaguely feminist quest for sympathy for women, first graders will establish their own explicit model of femininity, and begin to worship it.  When they exhibit evidence of having grasped the idea that their servility to it proves its potency as a controlling influence on not only them, but all men, they graduate to Grade 2.  In other words, when they admit that girls rule, they move on.

This becomes the seed for the rest of the course.  They will go on to learn the same things originally scheduled for Grade 2, but in the same ulterior context as Grade 1.  This time, they will focus heavily on all the aspects of their ideals that make them so powerful.  They will not necessarily explore any reason to explain how it affects them so much, but will focus only on identifying and admiring in close detail the exact characteristics of femininity that drive them so crazy.  Inevitably, this will lead to curves, textures, and clothing.

Grade 2 will also be far more maddening, as each participant will be teamed up with an outrageously gorgeous woman who closely matches his ideal.  This woman will actually live in the same cell, and will possess an entire wardrobe of insanely sexy undergarments and evening wear.  The men will continue to wear their prison jumpsuits, but must watch helpless as a living paragon of womanhood dresses and undresses before them, and provides flesh and blood work materials with which to enrich classroom discussions. 

The beauty of this approach is the new method for grading.  No longer will each participant be required to use his newly acquired knowledge of women’s wear to somehow plan a shopping trip for his own feminine wardrobe – an impossible event to justify both in terms of character development and plausibility – but he will now be monitored closely for any signs that he wants to wield the power that he worships.  To graduate to Grade 3, each man must voluntarily put on an article of his cellmate’s clothing for the purpose of making himself feminine.  It is entirely up to each man to show when he wants to graduate.  Of course, he will invariably do it in secret, so he will be monitored without his knowledge.  The moment of graduation will be his first willing and independent foray into his cellmate’s wardrobe, secret or not.  This will signify that he has chosen to at least experiment with becoming feminine.  He will be allowed, in some cases, to experiment for some time before his cellmate confronts him.  That moment will be his graduation.

Imagine the many scenarios: Cellmate barges in on him while he preens in her garter belt and stockings; Cellmate confronts him about stains on belly of her bathing suit, and browbeats him into admitting his crime in a Cinderella-like scenario where he must try it on to prove the innocence he proclaims; he is forced to wear Cellmate’s clothes against his will, because he just doesn’t get it, and he resists bitterly until he realizes how kinky it is and how desperately he looks forward to it, at which point he begins experimenting on his own; man shamelessly asks cellmate to borrow her clothes, and parades around in front of her in them.  The best part is that it varies wildly depending on the rating of each man!  There’s a different story for each one, and each one must ultimately show how a participant chooses to effeminate himself.

The cellmate must cajole her candidate after catching him flagrantly in the act.  She can be angry, supportive, indifferent, embarrassed, or any combination thereof, as long as she understands that the goal is to grant him some portion of her wardrobe for his secret pleasure.  She must promise him to keep his secret, yet allow him to continue his exploration of femininity.  This can go on for an extended period of time.  The candidate only graduates when he deliberately and without coercion reveals his femininity in public.  

Public femininity must, of course, have severe consequences.  Grade 4 students will have their entire wardrobes permanently replaced with those of their female cellmates.  Whether they are comfortable in their new clothes or not makes no difference.  They have already chosen, and must now actively pursue feminine roles, in public.  Since the original plot had participants either buying their own wardrobes or somehow being granted them, it missed the opportunity to expound on the discovery of new ways to become feminine.  Now, each man makes the choice, on his own, to pursue womanhood.  Because his choice involves the clothes of his avatar cellmate goddess, who wears only the things that drive him most crazy, she relinquishes her wardrobe to him at the moment of his graduation.  From then on, the only clothes he can wear are hers.  He has her entire collection at his disposal, but nothing the least bit masculine to fall back on.  Best of all, her entire collection was chosen by him to highlight her femininity in Grade 2.  This must be presented to him as both reward and punishment: his indiscretion must bring him acute humiliation; but the punishment also satisfies his wildest desire for feminine power.  He can take this in as many ways as there are participants.  He can either take full advantage of his luck and make himself as pretty and girlish as he can, or he can resist and go naked until he succumbs again and gradually gives in.

Having admitted that girls rule, and that femininity is the most powerful force on earth, each man gradually learns how to wield that power.  This is a finishing school for sissies.  Graduation occurs when our participant actually uses his feminine powers to seduce a real man, and suck his cock and get fucked in the ass by him. 
The fifth and final grade consists of a reminder of one’s innate masculinity, and how far removed each candidate is now that he wears nothing but lingerie and miniskirts, and sucks cock for fun.  He is reminded of his subservience to womanhood, and that the power of girls is such that he has attempted to transform himself wholly into one.  He is mocked and humiliated.  But it’s only a test.  He is hereby led to becoming ultimately female, by exploring options in plastic surgery and hormone therapy.  Again, he must choose his lot.  I can mostly imagine the reluctant ones unable to resist using their feminine powers, even as they refuse to take the extreme measures required to become completely female, until they finally give in.  Again, 125 candidates, 125 scenarios.

This new scenario has far fewer holes in it.  Now each man must make four excruciating choices before becoming a woman.  Each moment of choice should be enough to make it exciting.  Also, the whole story becomes more plausible, and therefore more sexy.

Diary: Forced to Choose

Once more, I explore.

I have been thinking about my slow evolution, and it doesn’t come across at all in my previous entry.  I’m trying to remember when and how I first gave in to temptation and willfully put on a pair of pantyhose, but it’s too distant.  I know for sure that I had no idea what the consequences were.  Well, I did, and they fed my fantasies, but I could never bear to think of it for too long.  

I need to evolve my story better.  But I just don’t know how.  How can I present my innocent young mind’s train of thought when I know so much more than I did then?  I need to involve other characters to keep it sensible, to keep track of my differing opinions.  

One other thing: I’ve been thinking of the point of accusation, the point of decision.  I have never totally been there myself yet, but it approaches more and more with every incident.  Imagine being forced to decide, on the spot, which gender to be?  Imagine being offered the perfect opportunity to explore femininity to its fullest, that is, to its most final form.  All you have to do is accept; after that, there’s no turning back.  You must immediately abandon all masculine possessions, or feminize them; you must tell your family in person, en femme, about your decision; you must tell your friends as well.  But none of that needs to be immediate: you are allowed to ease into it, in private, under an expert’s supervision.  

Or, in a different scenario, imagine the mega-story candidates.  Each is asked, at various points, just how committed he is to becoming a girl.  At some point, he must tell his prudish friends, “sorry guys, but I really do want to be a girl now.”  They’ll chastise him, call him a fag traitor homo bitch.  But he will confidently respond that they’re absolutely right, and that he’s proud of it.  They will remind him that it means losing his balls, losing his manhood; to which he will respond that he’s looking forward to it.

Diary: Feminization Syllabus

Now that my list makes more sense, I only need to come up with the exact syllabus.  

I already have established that there should be five grades, and that these grades are based on the sum of points in the three categories outlined above (I should add that homosexuality should be included in the experience levels, parallel to the instances of crossdressing; such that a man who has just discovered crossdressing is equivalent to one who has made out with a boy, and a man who has worn women’s clothing the requisite number of times is equivalent to one who has been fucked by a boy).  The five grades should follow the progress of the complete rookie all the way to womanhood, following the experience levels.  In other words, each grade should lead up to the next experience level by fulfilling all of the requirements.

Grade 1: For complete newbies.  Gearing men to imagine what it’s like to be women.  Intro to the female way of thinking and behaving.  Mannerisms.  Thought patterns.  Familiarity with articles of clothing.  Fashion.

Grade 2: For those who understand female thinking.  Leads to either crossdressing or homosexuality.  Role playing: acting like a girl.  Takes lessons learned in grade 1 and puts them into practice.  Learn how to please a man, and the essentials of women’s clothes.  Project: a) acquire a wardrobe, starting with underwear; or b) make out with a boy.  Must pass this to make it to Grade 3.

Grade 3: For those with boyfriends or those with wardrobes.  This grade is practical application of lessons learned in Grade 2.  Those who have chosen transvestitism will be introduced to their new wardrobes garment by garment, until they have passed the experience requirement to pass to the next grade.  Those who have chosen homosexuality will begin an intensive sex seminar, where they will learn the sexual secrets of women, and will intensify their relationships with their boyfriends, until they have actually been penetrated.

Grade 4: For those with sufficient clothing experience and those who have lost their virginity.  In this grade, our men having become expert homosexuals or crossdressers, pick up the other discipline; that is, homosexuals acquire wardrobes and learn to wear it, while continuing to have sex with boys; and transvestites learn to seduce boys.  To pass this grade, a man must become officially expert in both disciplines, so that he is wearing strictly women’s clothes and sucking cock and taking it in the ass regularly.

Grade 5: For those who have become female in all but physical characteristics.  These men embark on hormone replacement therapy and plastic surgery.  They participate in a beauty pageant before being granted the privilege of undergoing the final surgery.

Those whose level of participation amounts to zeal are generally overeager to participate in the lessons of the grades above, and will possibly undermine their own progress because of it.  Those who are enthusiastic will be eager, but unwilling to move too fast through the ranks, for fear of missing out on something important.  Those who are passive will follow the syllabus exactly, and do only as they are told.  Those who are reluctant will protest every step, but perform it when threatened with force.  Those who resist will be forced.

The course should last a year.  Each grade should take no more than ten weeks.

After thinking about the requirements for some time, I have decided that transvestitism should be ranked on a breadth of experience with different garments, with a focus, of course, on underwear and swimwear.  I need to finalize my points system before I can adequately issue official requirements.

I think I’m about ready to start.

Also, I think it would be a good idea, given the syllabus I’m coming up with, to track my own experience, and see how many points I get over time.  Should be a fun little project.

Diary: Off the Deep End Overthinking

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Diary: Overthinking the Massive Forced Feminization Story

I have been thinking about this an awful lot.  I have it all figured out now.  It’s very similar to the above, with a few changes.  The three categories remain, but the levels differ slightly.  I arrive at these levels by basing them on responses to questions from a survey.  Here they are first in summary, then each explained in detail:

• Experience (Have you ever wanted to be female?): Introduce, Beginner, Intermediate, Advanced, Expert
• Desire (Would you like to be female?): Repulsed, Curious, Indifferent, Willing, Desperate
• Co-operation (If someone were to attempt to make you female, how would you react?): Rebellious, Reluctant, Passive, Enthusiastic, Zealous

Experience

1. Introduce: Has never wanted to be a girl.  Sees women as sex objects, therefore cannot even want to get inside a woman’s head.   
2. Beginner: Has imagined being a girl, but stops short when it gets hot.
3. Intermediate: Has fantasized about being female, perhaps even engaging in some transvestitism once or twice, but still primarily thinks from male perspective.
4. Advanced: Has a persistent fetish for feminization; loves to wear women’s clothes, and does it regularly, but is content being a man
5. Expert: A woman trapped in a man’s body.  Fantasizes daily about being a girl, wears some article of women’s clothing at all times.

Desire

1. Repulsed: Would rather die than become a girl.
2. Curious: Would like to know what it’s like to be a girl, but would definitely want to revert to manhood immediately afterwards.
3. Indifferent: Has no gender preference.  Would be happy either way.
4. Willing: Would happily experience womanhood, and never revert.
5. Desperate: Longs to be a girl.  Would actively seek to become a girl.

Co-operation

1. Rebellious: Refuses to co-operate; force required.
2. Reluctant: Refuse to co-operate until threatened with violence.
3. Passive: Will do exactly as told, without question, but will not volunteer for anything or participate beyond what is required.
4. Enthusiastic: Participates actively, studies, looks ahead.  Willing to learn.
5. Zealous: Participates aggressively, seeking to be the best in the class.

So we can make a questionnaire:

1. What is your sexual orientation? 
a) heterosexual
b) homosexual
c) bisexual

2. How often have you imagined what it would be like to be a member of the opposite gender?
a) Never
b) Once or twice
c) Sometimes
d) Frequently
e) Always

3. How frequently do you take on the role of the opposite gender, be it for play, for sexual gratification, or any other reason?  This includes transvestitism, playacting, and cajolery.
a) Never
b) Once or twice
c) Sometimes
d) Frequently
e) Always

4. Describe your reaction to the idea of becoming a member of the opposite gender:
a) Repulsed
b) Curious, but unwilling
c) Indifferent
d) Willing
e) Desperate

5. How would you like to join the opposite gender?
a) Would rather die
b) Would like to know what it’s like, but revert to original gender
c) Indifferent
d) Would like to know what it’s like, even if the change is permanent
e) Long to join opposite gender

6. How would you react if someone attempted to change your gender?
a) Resist at all costs
b) Resist until threatened with death
c) Remain passive
d) Assist in these attempts
e) You requested it

These questions are then processed and the participants sorted into classes.  Of course, there are two sets of answers to the survey: those submitted by the users, and their honest beliefs.  

We will have a set of 125 men (5 x 5 x5) who will each have a different set of honest responses.  Each of these men will then discover that he is in a one year feminization camp, and that he will compete for the honour of becoming a girl.

Diary: The Variables In the Massive Forced Feminization Stories

My feminization camp stories are missing one thing: a goal for its interns.  No, a competition.  I am watching the Miss Universe competition.  I think my candidates should compete in a beauty contest for the privilege of becoming female.  The losers are released into the world as they are; thus they have every incentive to turn completely female, or else re-enter the world as mere transsexuals.

All of the contestants are told from the beginning what they must strive for.  Those who resist must either submit or die, as we have already established.  And of course they must all struggle with how badly they want to be effeminated.  Of course, they all start from different points of view.  The variables:

1. Experience (never imagined, imagined, tried a few times, often, regular)
2. Desire (not interested, indifferent, curious, interested, desperate)
3. Resistance (rebellion, reluctance, passivity, acceptance, zeal)

This gives us 125 participants.  Of course, this is only how they begin.  They all eventually succumb.

Diary: J'écris en français en public pour cacher mes pensées

Bon, puisqu’il faut faire attention d’être découvert, il ne ferait pas tort de composer en français cette fois-ci.  J’espère seulement que je pourrai m’exprimer d’une façon assez exacte, et de plus, correcte.

Je m’ennuis presqu’à pleurer sans mes vêtements féminins.  Je suis toujours possédé de ce rêve de devenir femme, pour pouvoir jouir en ces charmants objets de lingerie.  Je me trouve accablé de cette idée de présenter mes idées d’une nouvelle façon, comme les langues elles-mêmes manipulent les pensées qu’elles expriment.  À vrai dire, je m’aperçoit d’au moins une possibilité autrement impossible.

Il faut avouer, surtout, que les filles françaises sont plus jolies que celles que je connaissais d’ailleurs.  Elles ont davantage de féminin, mais d’une façon difficile à expliquer.  Leur réputation n’existe pas seulement chez moi, mais au monde entier.  Elles possèdent une délicatesse que les autres femmes ne peuvent qu’à peine simuler.  Ainsi, ce sont elles qui me feront renaître cette fois-ci.  Si seulement j’avais une nouvelle histoire à raconter.

Cependant, abordons la fantaisie.

Diary: Dilemma Story Idea

Been there, done that.

It never ends.  There are only so many permutations of this fantasy, and they all end up with the male protagonist enthusiastically and irrevocably abandoning his manhood.  

It always gets to me.

I have a couple of quick ideas:

My chart of possible reactions.  The experiment starts off each man with a choice of two incredibly sexy feminine outfits.  Eventually, as the experiment progresses, one of the choices becomes less and less sexy.  When the man is finally presented with something masculine vs. something feminine, he chooses the feminine.

Second, a story about how a man comes to discover that he loves women because he wants to be one, and he begins discovering his feminine side.

Diary: A Better Twist to Stories

I want to figure out the most extreme transformation story possible, in both the physical and the psychological sense.  I liked the story about how the guy and his buddy made a bet with their wives that they couldn't become girls, and then were hypnotized and surgically transformed into gorgeous she-men.  The one problem with it is the lack of decision.  These men did not decide on their own to become women, they were manipulated into accepting it and enjoying it.  I want to explore what happens to somebody who succumbs without coercion.  Someone who succumbs completely and enthusiastically.

Someone who accidentally discovers, say, his girl's panties, and finds himself pining for them, and for other articles of her clothing.  And this slowly transforms him until he becomes completely female.

Diary: Leaving Town With Shaven Legs

I'm a week away from beginning my trip to California, where I will spend the next year or so of my life.  Hockey season is over, and most of the people I know will not see me again for a while -- or at least, they won't have any reason to see my legs.


Which is a bit of a shame, really, considering how they look shaved.  

For the first time ever, I have completely shaven my legs.

I shaved them some seven years ago, but only partly, shortly before I met A__.  I bought a satiny lingerie outfit, with white fishnet stockings and a garter belt, for that occasion.  I have nothing new yet this time, but I did shave as much of my leg hair as I could.  It only took me about an hour, too.

I quickly showered to clean up any loose hair, and discovered the radically different texture of shaven legs.  My skin is so soft, so smooth, so slippery when wet.  Lathering my legs with soap was strange, because the soap had no hair to cling to.  I got horny rubbing my legs to clean them.  Even drying them was a new experience.

As soon as I dried off, I slipped on some black stockings, and hooked them onto my garter belt.  I have never seen my stockings cling so easily to my legs.  I have effeminate legs, covered in sheer nylon!  And they will be like this for a few days at least, before the hair starts growing back.  So I might as well enjoy this while I can.  I won't look normal again for another 3 or 4 weeks.

Diary: Definitions

An observation: 'emasculation' and 'effemination' have the same meaning.  Perhaps this implies, as I have known for so long, that only masculinity can be lost, and that femininity is permanent.  It is impossible to lose one femininity, but it is always possible to either gain it or lose its opposite.  Therefore, given this logic, women's clothes irreversibly effeminate their wearer.

Diary: Sissy Scoring System, Tweaked

After playing around with the scheme above, I have come up with a preliminary score template, which I have stored in the same folder.  I have come to the conclusion that I must consider swimsuit bikinis as brassieres and panties.  There really is very little difference.  I have historically ranked underwear ahead of swimwear, but I now realize that that is simply absurd.  Why should my wonderful pink string bikini rank less than mom's gitch?  Just because it's not technically underwear?  That's just not right.  The fact is, it's shaped just like a bra and panties, and it serves a similar purpose.  Why not just score the top and bottom each as underwear items, adding or subtracting points based on the material, the coverage, etc. just as I would for any other type of underwear?  It makes much more sense this way.

Actually, I got an epiphany today, which changes the way I've thought of my feminine escapades for the last 20 years.  Throughout these pages, and intractably imprinted on my mind, has been the idea of a hierarchy of women's clothes.  It starts with pantyhose, on through swimwear, and ends at lingerie.  One was forbidden, in my fantasies, from ever skipping ahead to a garment he isn't ready for.  There was always a problem, because part of the fantasy involved doing just that - and hoping for the most effeminate consequences possible.  How can you really deny me wearing white cotton panties even though I've worn string bikinis more times than I can count?  It would surely be a letdown to graduate to the next level.

I realized today that the hierarchy came into my mind only as a way of protecting myself, back in the days when I tried to deny my passions.  I worried then that if I went right ahead and wore a swimsuit before I was ready for its incredible femininity, I would lose control.  This, of course, worked as both deterrent and incentive, depending on my state of mind.  I could succumb to a swimsuit, and thank my stars that I hadn't dared to get into some lingerie, which would surely have destroyed my manhood; or perhaps while succumbing to that same swimsuit, and pray fervently for some lingerie, so that I could become that much more feminine.

It still stands as a very powerful fantasy.  It has always been at odds with starting right at the top with lingerie, as other powerful fantasies call for.

Diary: Sissy Scoring System

I want to get scientific here for a moment.  I've discussed the possible scenarios when a man is presented with women's underwear, but I've never done it right.  I will rectify this shortly.  First, I want to enumerate the possible outcomes when a man becomes aroused by his own femininity.

First, he might ignore it, either by thinking of something else and masturbating to that, or by not masturbating at all.

Second, he might simply fail to fulfill it because of extenuating circumstances.  For example, he has no opportunity to masturbate before his passion abates.

Third, he succumbs to it in spirit, and masturbates naked or even in his own masculine clothes, reveling in pictures of his own womanhood.

Fourth, he fulfills his fantasy when he ejaculates clad in something girlish.

The first is a crime.  Inadmissible under any circumstance.  The second is unfortunate, but he gets points for having wanted to be a girl.  The third is charming, better than the second, but not quite good enough.  The fourth is the truest man of all.

Wait, there's something missing here: there are really more variables.  What happens to the poor sap who manages to slip into a bikini, but who doesn't get the chance to blow his load?  What if he does a whole fashion show with his girlfriend's wardrobe, fully intending to come in everything, but can only handle one or two outfits?  And none of this takes into account doing anything in public.

So we have 1 constant: the passion to make himself feminine, or desire; and 3 variables: physically ejaculating, or success; physically wearing women's garments (we won't get into point values for specific types here), or dressing; and publicly displaying his penchant for girlishness, or exhibition.  Thus the first scenario touches on only the constant; the second scores the same for lack of any action; the third scores points for success, and nothing more; the fourth achieves both success and dressing, and therefore wins.  However, the man who publicly dresses as a woman for the thrill of appeasing his femininity, must score equally well if he does not eventually find success in his effeminate state.  Also, points would certainly vary for the garments worn in each circumstance. 

Beautiful, no?

So now we can tally up a score for each incident of effemination.  The total score is what really counts, but the statistics are kept for the purpose of showing a balance of tendencies.  As in baseball, where a pitcher can win many games and strike out many batters, but also allow many runs; while another can lose constantly striking out as many batters, and allowing fewer runs.  The pitchers' totals may be the same, but they have slightly different profiles.  Likewise, someone who privately wears lingerie and comes every time might tally up the same number of points as someone who walks around in dresses in public, but never dares to masturbate en femme.

The tricky part of all this is assigning an arbitrary point value to specific types of garments.  There are endless varieties of women's clothes, and they all count for something.  But even different types of panties must necessarily score radically differently.  Surely a g-string is worth more than mother's total-coverage briefs!  The value should be awarded based on a comparison to exact artifacts of clothing, which have constant values associated with them.  The fit must also factor in (take tight over loose any time, but too small is no good either - ideally it should fit perfectly, as if you really could take on the shape of a woman).  For a start, we'll take a pair of plain white cotton bikini briefs always to be worth 100 points.  Add 10 points for lace trim.  Add 25 points for exotic colours.  Lose 15 points for silly, childish prints of teddy bears.  A matching brassiere is worth 100 bonus points.  So I award Bobbi over there the full 200 points for the matching cotton bra and panties, and give him another 15 for the lace in the bra.  Unfortunately, he loses 25 because they're not really bikini briefs, but regular briefs, and are slightly larger.  Candi, on the other hand, scores a massive 150 for his black satin bikini, and another 125 for a white satin brassiere; but he loses 50 points for the contrast.

Clearly, I need to establish the benchmarks in general categories.  I would need a minimum and maximum amount of points for a type, identify examples of the two extremes and the median, and specify point values for frills or problems.  This will take an awful lot of work.  Hopefully, I can backtrack and rank my own outfits and experiences.

It also occurs to me that success should have a bonus if it involves another person or persons.  Perhaps a points system similar to that for dressing is in order.  The starting number of points would be for simply coming.  More points for having someone masturbate you; more yet for sucking cock; still more for swallowing; etc.  Also, the length of time of dressing and the extent of exhibition should factor in: number of people who know, multiplying each article of clothing they know about, multiplied by points for time (1 for 0-15 mins, 2 for 15-60, 3 for 1-4 hours, etc.). 

Now we may return to our original problem: the scenarios when a man is confronted with women's underwear.

This time we can use our points system to accurately gauge the man's state of mind; only here desire is a variable, not a constant.  Thus a man who has never even noticed his feminine side would start at 0, while a man who had pondered it twice would have 2 points.  I would have thousands upon thousands.
Problem solved.  Now to the new problem: scoring.

Diary: Innocently Stunning

Oh, how I love your body!  Your smooth, delicate curves, your soft skin, the grace of your movements... I fantasize about how you look in your underwear, or when you wear a swimsuit, how every gorgeous curve spins and slips underneath.  Isn't it funny how my desperate longing for your body has me trying to emulate it?

I have this picture in my mind of you doing something mundane, like ironing or dusting, while wearing nothing but a smile and your undies.  You are innocently stunning.  You have no idea how ridiculously sexy you are.  I could point it out to you, and you'd look down at your scantily clad body, maybe blush a little, and continue what you're doing, just a little more self-consciously, acutely aware of your femininity, amazed again at its powerful grasp on me, but still focused on the mundane task at hand.

As I write this, I want to look down at my own scantily clad body, slipped into the same slinky undergarments, and experience the same surprise upon discovering exactly what you did.  I want to feel that faint surprise at realizing that I am a woman wearing nothing more than a bra and panties, and that I am sexy and beautiful; and I want to continue my tedious task, happy and proud, acutely aware of my femininity, and promise to take full advantage of it as soon as I'm done.

Notice that the first sentence of the second paragraph is intended to be ambiguous: who's wearing your underwear?