Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Diary: Stages

The stages:

  1. awareness: subject becomes aware that some men wear women's clothing for a sexual kick
    • - understands that it's not just for fags
  2. awakening: subject understands the erotic appeal
    • understands the inherent femininity of women's underwear, skirts, bathing suits, etc.
    • feels a slight flush of curiosity about bondage scenarios with forced feminization, and what it would do to a man
  3. experimentation: subject is curious enough to try for himself
    • tries on some fetish (stockings, underwear, bathing suit, whatever) either by "force" (visit to a dominatrix) or out of boredom, and fulfills himself sexually with it
  4. humiliation: subject begins to worry that his experiments are destroying his manhood
    • as experimentation repeats, and becomes a habit, our subject denies himself as much as possible
    • rationalizes by saying he likes the feel of tight silk against his crotch, that it has nothing to do with panties being feminine
  5. escalation: subject tries on skankier and skankier clothes, as his humiliation drives his desire (this may require more explanation)
    • prolonged privation leads to exponentially increased desire: the longer he goes without wearing panties (or whatever), the more extreme his fantasies become.
      This is absolutely key: his fantasies from the beginning are about becoming feminine, but he's hardly even aware of it.  It drives his first fantasies, but doesn't fully enter his consciousness, because he's rationalizing it.  As he denies himself, the fantasies, unfulfilled, have more time to develop, and creep more into his conscious mind.  When he eventually gives in to his irrational desires, mere panties aren't good enough: in his fantasies, he's becoming completely female, and so he wants his reality to come closer to his overwhelming fantasy.  He gets himself a bra, and is shocked at how it magnifies his climax.  It also magnifies his shame, and leads him to deny himself again.  This in turn leads to even more outrageous fantasies, which he eventually fulfills by wearing something even more feminine.  Before he knows it, he's wearing lingerie, stockings, heels, makeup, etc. and hating himself more and more for it.
    • "I'm not gay"
    • subject is in denial about his secret cocksucking fantasies
    • subject invariably feels deep shame when he comes, and when not under the grip of his fantasies, wants to abandon them (which makes them so much more potent)
  6. capitulation: subject accepts and understands that he now wants to be a girl (still privately)
    • accepts that he dresses up because he wants to be feminine
    • unabashedly fantasizes about sucking cock
  7. exhibition: subject comes out of closet
    • everything was hidden up to now.
    • wears at least something feminine at all times
    • strives to go out in drag, hoping to pass
    • parties at gay bars, trolling for cock
    • gets fucked by men
  8. transformation: subject strives to physically become a woman through surgery, hormones, etc.
    • ultimate fulfillment: growing boobs, having vaginoplasty, feeling a cock pump giz into neovagina

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