Thursday, June 03, 2010

The Next Level

I've been going crazy reading a set of blogs about some college girls who turn a couple of guys into sissies. Their stories have me obsessed with emulating their predicament.

Over the last few days, I've caught up with all of their collected posts, in order. Every time I come near those blogs, I'm possessed with such an intense desire to feminize myself that I can barely get through reading a post without rushing off to my secret stash and indulging myself.

Alarmingly, as satisfying and gratifying as these sessions have been, I inevitably return moments later, and find myself in the exact same position. No matter how hard I come, I still want more the moment I allow the fantasy to re-enter my mind.

As such, I find myself at a crossroads. For years, I've been dressing up in secret, on average, about twice a week.  It'll range from full-on lingerie to simple little prances in bikinis.  I've even been documenting all of these incidents in a spreadsheet for the last two years, to keep track of all the things I've worn, and how much fun I've had wearing them.  Part of the reason why I've gone to such lengths to track my excursions into womanhood is to figure out just how big a part of my life it really is. I'm a married man, and my wife has no idea; I struggle with hiding my secret from her, and wonder if there's any way I could ever tell her. Another solution would be to stop, but we all know that's not feasible. I've been doing this since I was about 10, and I tried to quit many times when I was a teenager, but I always found myself fatally drawn to resume, always with more intensity. There have been dry spells of months when I didn't feel any particular need to do it, but eventually, the desire comes roaring back, and I'm mincing around in panties again.

In short, I know what I've gotten myself into, and in many ways it's not good. This fetish is baked into my psyche. I'm a sissy, and all of my sexual thoughts revolve around it. Even when I'm making love with my wife, I'm invariably fantasizing about what it must feel like to be her. She has, as I've mentioned, no idea.

My stash is anemic by most sissies' standards. I've had to keep it that way for it to remain well-hidden. But my needs are outgrowing my modest collection. I borrow a lot from T_'s wardrobe, but it's always stressful to avoid leaving suspicious stains or wrinkles, and to put everything back exactly as I found it. Also, she doesn't have everything I want, and some of her clothes (i.e. ALL of her shoes) don't fit me. There are some things she'd never wear, and for those, I've had to take matters into my own hands.

I've developed a strategy for hiding my stash, which I haven't followed particularly well. Sometimes I keep it all in a place where even if I died suddenly, nobody would find it. Currently, I keep it hidden in almost plain view, although under lock and key, such that it could be discovered at almost any time by a determined snoop. Since I never want my wife to find out, I fear that this will lead to disaster. But I need my girlie stuff close at hand! The super-secret spot is not easily accessible, and therefore not conducive to easy pleasure sessions. I had been thinking recently of returning my stash to this spot, for fear of getting caught. Then I found those blogs.

Now I'm seriously considering expanding my collection in a big way. I realized as I followed the sissies' progress that I have very little actual underwear! In fact, I am so biased to swimwear that it takes the place of everything else. Therefore, I desperately need at least a matching bra and panty set, so I can pretend that I have the beginnings of a realistic feminine wardrobe. Then I need to get some variety of panties and a few bras to fill it out. And of course, what would be the use of this if I didn't wear them as often as possible?

That's when the idea popped into my head that I, like the blogging sissies, should wear panties at work, in secret, since it would be so easy for me to do given T_'s schedule. Now I'm obsessed with getting started. I wore my one pair of everyday panties (a blue stretch lace boyshort) all day at the office today.

Now, the trick is getting my new stuff. I tried in the last couple of days to go to Victoria's Secret, but I chickened out. I just don't have the nerve to do it. So instead, I've hatched up a plan to get a post office box, and order everything I want.  I would pick up my deliveries during my lunch break, and T_ would never know about it, because I'd stash it all away before she comes home. I can even return stuff I don't like, without having to face the humiliation of going into the store in person! Imagine the possibilities: lingerie, swimsuits, skirts, dresses, SHOES, SHOES, SHOES! All with minimal chance of ever getting caught!

So, the big question is: am I nuts? Just a short while ago, I was going to tone everything down a bit and try to scale back. Now I've swung completely in the opposite direction, and I'm planning to scale up, dramatically. I'm succumbing to my perversion even further than I ever thought possible, by planning to wear women's underwear all day, five days per week, from now on, and essentially placing no limit on what else I can wear.

Should I wait a bit to come to my senses, and abort this crazy plan -- which I've fantasized about before, but gave up as impossible? Or do I go ahead with it anyway, and increase my risk of being caught?

Is it worth it?

Right now, as much as I resist it, the answer is a resounding YES, it is worth it.