Monday, July 15, 2002

Diary: What's Gotten Into Me?

I have started experimenting with anal penetration.  My experiments were so successful that I’m afraid to continue with them.  I’m not sure where this fits in with my other fantasies anymore, as it’s the sheer physical sensation that wins out, rather than any fantasy about getting fucked.  It’s quite a feminine shock to realize that something has been inside me.

I want to explore this whole idea of being exposed to femininity, and enjoying it, and realizing that enjoyment means enjoying everything that goes with being female.  It starts out when you realize that you like girls’ clothes, not even for wearing them yourself, but just because they’re so obviously sexy.  Then you realize that it would be fun to wear them, fun to see how pretty they make you feel.  Then you realize that wearing them compromises your manhood, and that you’d better stop before you start developing a taste for it.  But it’s already far too late.  It’s a foregone conclusion from the moment the idea first entered your head.  Now you’re picturing yourself in a bikini, and fantasizing about how wonderful girls look in bikinis, and how it would be so cool, so sexy if you could experience that sexiness first hand.  You want to be the girl in the bikini.  You start off slow, just fondling it, because you know that’s almost normal.  But you can’t take it anymore, and you have to touch the panties with your dick.  Not even that is enough.  You need the full effect.  You put them on, and it’s more amazing than you dreamed.  You keep some article of manhood on you, just in case, because you know you’re losing your grip on your manhood.  You imagine yourself wearing all kinds of women’s clothes, from bikinis to swimsuits to underwear and lingerie and summer dresses and sandals.  You want desperately to give yourself up completely to it, but you don’t dare, because you know that it’s too dangerous, that you’ll like it too much.  You’ve already gone too far by now, but you don’t care.  You want to go further.  You can’t help yourself from trying it again and again, with different clothes.  You’re wearing the matching bra now, even though it doesn’t touch your cock, just because it makes you feel even more feminine.  You know there’s no cheating involved now.  You’ve wanted it all along, you realize, and you’re finally doing it.  You’re glad you’ve gone too far.  Every new experiment, every moment of complete abandon drives home the reality that you’re getting more and more effeminated.  Why else would you now be buying your own lingerie?  You’ve started shaving your body to get that smooth, female skin, and so you can feel what a woman feels when she wears stockings.  You begin to fantasize about fucking men.  Eventually you discover just how pleasant it is to shove things in your ass, and pretend it’s a dick.  You know you’re teetering on the edge of homosexuality, but you don’t care!  You love it!  You start to fantasize about taking hormones and growing titties, and above all having an hourglass figure.  Pretty soon, you do it, and you’ve finally caved in and begun to make those irreversible physical changes that were inevitable from the moment you first realized that you like girls’ clothes.

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