Thursday, January 15, 1998

Diary: Deep Questions about Limits

I think that's about finished.  It was pretty exhilarating to write.  For the first time, I managed to make myself come using my hands.  And I did it more than once, too.

This story brought to mind one of those interesting deep questions: if you could experience the most prolonged and intense sexual experience conceivable, knowing in advance that it would be 100 times better and longer than any sexual experience you've ever had, and knowing that it would destroy your sexuality irrevocably so that you could never have sex again, would you do it?

I can't even answer that myself.  It's a very difficult question.  I'm leaning towards quantity right now, rather than quality.

One thing I had thought of as a kid when I used to fantasize about becoming a girl by wearing women's clothes: literal emasculation.  I had this fantasy that girls would capture me and force me to wear their clothes to effeminate me a bit.  To add injury to insult, they would then chop off my genitals in preparation for a sex change operation, and force me to eat my own penis.  I don't remember anything about my balls, but I do remember having to eat my own dick.  Cooked like a sausage.  I ate it, too, and became a girl.

It's a bit raunchy, isn't it?  Not too stimulating, either.  How could I be mortally embarrassed if I didn't still have my dick swishing around in effeminate silk?

More raunchiness: homosexuality.  There was a time when I fantasized about fucking men as a girl.  It doesn't really turn me on all that much, but there's that guilty aversion to the effeminacy associated with homosexuality.  In other words, I started thinking about having a cock up my ass, or in my mouth, as I acted like a girl, and it made me feel that much more effeminate.  Because that's what girls do.  But I felt guilty that it turned me on, and so it turned me on even more-much as wearing lingerie does.  Right now I can picture myself all dolled up in lingerie, feeling all proud, and even horny, as a man snaps the elastics on my panties.  I get all excited as I suck him and fuck him.  Even though I'm still male, and I'm only wearing women's clothes.

Finally, there's another story in me, one that combines all sorts of very nasty, sordid, and most unsavoury sexual acts...

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