Monday, November 17, 1997

Diary: Fantasy Creeps into Mind at Awkward Moment

I had a little accident during foreplay with A__ soon after that last installment.  We were petting naked, when the thought struck me that I could be wearing her panties right then.  I had been reading a Cosmopolitain that she had brought home, and was inspired by one little blurb: something about whether you prefer such and such a sexual fantasy, or "a pillow fight with both of you dressed as your favourite Spice Girl," or words to that effect.  There was also a panicked woman writing to a help columnist that she had caught her man wearing her undies, and that he couldn't get hard anymore, he was so ashamed; the columnist suggested that the woman include that little quirk in their lovemaking; she also mentioned that it's very common.  Anyway, I imagined myself, not for the first time, wearing women's underwear with her and frolicking girlishly in silk with her.  But for the first time, I imagined it as more than just a fantasy.  This time, I imagined the implications of her first time with me in women's underwear.  I imagined how demeaning it would be for me to compare lingerie with her, how much shame I would feel at being dressed like a woman beside her.  Her reaction hardly mattered.  I would have felt totally naked, totally undressed before her.  I would be bare in my deepest secret, and completely at her mercy.  She could rage at me, or make fun of me, or feel sorry for me, or mope.  She might or might not accept me; but she would acknowledge me as wearing women's clothes.  God, would I love to dress up like a Spice Girl and do girlish things with A__.  Anyway, the emotion that I imagined I would feel if she could have seen me right then wearing her underwear made me come so fast that I felt completely embarrassed.  

Tonight, I almost dared to venture out dressed up as a girl.  I wanted to.  I really did.  It's snowing.  I chickened out.  I figure that I can probably get away with a little masquerade up and down [my street] late at night, with no one around.  I want to feel the wind blowing on my stocking-clad legs, and onto my naked thighs.  I want to prance around like a girl.  I did, however, tonight, wear my lingerie to go shopping.  Of course, nobody knew.  It was pretty fun anyway.  I wanted to look for more fun stuff, but I have to remember to shop for A__'s Xmas gift.

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