Monday, December 23, 1996

Diary: An Early Christmas Gift

Tonight I received an unexpected Christmas gift.  

A__ decided to please me by buying herself some lingerie.  She would wear it for me as a turn on.  She had already bought me some clothes, and I felt awful that she would spend so much money on me when I couldn't possibly do the same for her, so I told her to not buy me anything big for Christmas, or else I would feel even worse.  And I would have, too.  But now I feel quite giddy, and incredibly lucky.  I wonder how much coincidence went into this (an inevitable coincidence, I would think) and how much, dare I imagine, full knowledge went into it.

The situation is quite fortuitous, and quite bizarrely so.  I never expected it, and even, with my last shred of decency, hoped that I wouldn't have to deal with this.  But now I have some of A__'s lingerie in my room at her request.  I did not steal it.  I did not ask for it.  She insisted on keeping it here, rather than bringing it home and having to answer her mother's questions.  The strangest thing of all was the conversation that went with this strange turn of events.

She presented it to me as a gift.  In a way, it's more for me than it is for her.  And she hasn't gotten me anything else.  So she had to give me something, even if it's meant, in effect for her.  So already, it strangely belongs to me in a very concrete way.  I peeled off the wrapping paper, and peeked into the box, which I had trouble opening, and she shook the flap at me, and showed me breifly what was inside: a velvety matching panty and bra set.  I took it out and giggled.  "You want to try it on?" she teased.  I wonder how much sincerity was in that question.  I easily deflected that insinuation, as joking as it was.  She then asked if I could keep it here, under my pillow or something.  "I don't see why.  What am I going to do with it?" I protested quite diplomatically.  She agreed, and put it back into the box.  Later she took up her request again, and explained exactly why.  I had been kicking myself because I desperately wanted her to leave it here, but decency, pride, and a desire to uphold my innocence had overridden that instinct.  This time, there was no reason to refuse, and I rejoiced.

The terrific thing is that I had been looking forward to wearing something tonight.  I figured that I wouldn't be messing around with A__ anytime soon, so this was the perfect opportunity to get feminine.  And suddenly, this lingerie drops into my lap.  Merry Christmas!

A funny note: last night, A__ revealed to me that she once made her little brother wear a dress, because she wanted a sister--an idea intriguing enough by itself.  Then she asked, "Didn't you ever put on your mom's dresses when you were young?"  as if it were a perfectly normal thing for me to have done.  I wonder what she would have said if I had said yes, jokingly of course?  Anyway, despite all of this strangeness, which she has never brought up before (it has always been brought up by me as a silly sort of joke, and she expects silliness from me), I don't believe that she has the slightest clue about my secret fantasies.  I think I would be able to tell if she did.  She wouldn't talk about it like that.  Oh well.  Who knows?  Maybe she wants me to wear her lingerie, and become her little sister.  She did after all say something to the effect that if I were her little brother, she would have made me wear dresses, too.  I wish.

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