Diary: Wearing Women's Underwear to Pretend to be a Girl

That bikini turned out to be quite the coup d'etat.  I absolutely adore it.  It's one of the most fantastic experiences ever.  But I think it's also partly because of my state of mind.

It's always best when I get myself in the mood by writing things here.  I get so turned on by this exercise.  I get to discover what turns me on the most.  The bikini just happens to be an excellent receptacle for my femininity.  Catalyst would be a better word, I think.  I just love how tight and small it is, and how I don't really have to be careful about staining it.  I just love wearing that pretty bra, too.  It wouldn't be anywhere near as fun without it.

It really turns me on to think that this must be what it feels like to dress like a girl.  I know because I am dressed like a girl.  And I imagine myself turning into a girl.  That's how I create my scenarios: I want to drag the moment out as long as possible.  I want to make myself go through a tantalizingly long ordeal until I can finally graduate to true femininity.  But it's actually getting there, actually becoming a girl that really gets me.  The thought that I'm not a girl, but that I am becoming one by wearing women's underthings.  No, not becoming, but become.  

That's the whole idea, isn't it?  Becoming a girl.  That's why I wear women's clothing: because it makes me think that I'm becoming a girl.  I can imagine it without the actual clothing, too.  It's never as fun, but it's true.  But I think about getting into something feminine when I do it like that.  I imagine myself in little white panties or something, becoming female.  When I actually do it, I don't need to imagine: I can touch, and the experience is that much more fulfilling.  For a long time I dreamed of owning a one-piece bathing suit.  I dreamed that I was in a store or some such place, and that I wanted to steal one, but I could never do it.  I dreamed, in other words, that I was a transvestite who wanted sexual gratification from a woman's swimsuit.  
So here I am now, eagerly anticipating wearing something girlish tonight.  Because I want to feel like a girl.  I want to experience girlhood.

It's very weird: I don't know why I do it.  Is it the underwear that I like, or is it the femininity?  Is it the femininity of the underwear?  There's something about wearing it that makes me go wild.  Something about abandoning manhood.  Now, there's an idea that right now makes me indifferent.  It's when I think of myself as effeminate that I become horny.  

There's a recurring theme in my scenarios about trying women's clothes on first, and then admitting that it's the most intense sexual experience of my life.  Or admitting that I far prefer it to men's clothing.  That's the point where it gets really exciting: admitting that I want to be a girl, and that I'm willing to do whatever it takes to wear women's clothing.  I think that that's the key: I think of myself wearing women's clothing for its own sake.  I don't think of just becoming female.  If so, then the clothes wouldn't matter so much, would they?  But they are absolutely crucial.  I can't imagine myself masturbating about being a naked girl getting fucked.  I do imagine myself as a girl in her underwear.  The thought of becoming a girl intrigues me; the thought of wearing girls' underwear excites me.  

I want to be a girl because that would allow me to wear women's underwear.  

It's always in my fantasies that way.  

It's all about panties and bras.  

I don't know what this means.  I think that maybe I rationalize wanting to become a girl because that's what girls do.  They wear girls' underwear.  I want to do that too.  The easiest way out would be becoming a girl.  But that's not what it's really about: it's about wearing tight little silky panties.  

That's not entirely true, either.  I cringe when I see myself wearing girlish undies.  But I love feeling it.  I love fantasizing about being a girl and getting fucked in the cunt--while wearing her underwear, of course.  Strange.  What is it, then?  Do I want to be a girl, or do I want to wear girls' underwear?

I think I have very little fun when I think of myself solely as a man wearing women's clothes.  I have to think of myself as becoming feminine.  But I know that I don't want to be solely feminine, either.  OK, here's the plan: I will try to imagine myself as a man wearing women's clothes.  Then, I will try to imagine myself as a naked woman.  I'll see what happens then.