Diary: Wretched Excess

With all of my latest experimenting, I think that I am becoming too used to wearing women's clothes.  The thrill is no longer the same.  I routinely jerk around in Mom's swimsuit.  The pleasure is the same, but the thrill is gone.  It's hardly a big deal anymore.  In a way, it's scary, and in another way, and for the same reasons, it's at the same time encouraging and arousing.

Just think: I've worn women's clothes so much lately that it seems natural to me.  On an impulse, a few weeks ago, I went to work with my little black panties and my pantihose under my uniform.  what a weird thrill.  I considered meeting a real drag queen, and seeing what more I could do, see how much I could learn.  But that's too homosexual.  When I came home, I decided to try something new: I cut the legs off my pantihose and turned it into a G-string type of outfit.  Just the control top part, as a sort of underwear, was unbearably arousing.  I sewed on these straps to hold up my stockings, and now I have a strange contraption that's like a garter belt with built-in panties and permanently attached stockings.  It's very tight, very thin, and I hike it up as far as it can go.  What a blast.  It was probably one of the best experiences ever.  Almost as good as the first bathing suit experience with no clothes on, almost as good as the return to the bathing suit, when I resolved to accept my innate femininity.  Only it was a cheap thrill, because the whole time I knew that it wasn't anything actually made for women.  It was just a homemade sexual device.  I still wear it, though, but I dream of owning the real thing sometime soon.

Not long ago, I put my panties on underneath, and then put on my torn up ass revealing jean shorts, and my tight little DRI tanktop, with socks in it to look like tits.  I felt so good as a woman.  I preened in front of the mirror, and I really looked feminine, except for my having no waist.  That's what I long for: a waist and real tits.  Someday, I'll go all out.  I swear it.  Soon.  I look forward to owning my own swimsuit, bikini, bra, panties, stockings, G-string, and lingerie outfits.  Someday, I'll shave myself smooth and preen about with all of them, and have lots of fun.  Oh, God, how that would turn me on!  Smooth legs, silky stockings, and lacy, satiny, silky feminine undies, a bra to match, long, luxurious hair, and my face all made up, rings hanging from my ears. . .  Paradise, to be a girl.  I would be the perfect person.

But that's all a dream.  I can never be female, I can never have the truly feminine characteristics.  I can never be a true woman.  But I can try, and enjoy trying as much as possible.