Getting My Fill

By the time I ended my business trip, I had lost all enthusiasm for wearing my nightie overnight. But, since I hadn't brought any of my male pajamas, I had no choice. I was stressing out about having nail polish on my toes, and the effort I would need to remove it in the morning. I was experiencing a girlie hangover.

I found myself hideous in my girl stuff. I couldn't stand the sight of myself. I'm so hairy and pudgy in all the wrong places that I would recoil at the touch of my own body. It wasn't so much a dysphoria as a realization that my body in women's clothes is grotesque. I'm fine with being masculine, and the feminine clothes only made me feel ridiculous and gross.

Of course that didn't cure me of my fetish. One thing that kept nagging at me was a latent desire to wear a bathing suit, which I neglected to bring on my trip. Within a couple of days of arriving home, I put on a one-piece and made myself feel better. Ever since, I've been on a back-to-basics kick centered on swimwear. This culminated a couple of days ago in wearing my most special bikini, and I've been dying for more ever since.

So what the hell happened?

I think this confirms the sad fact that I don't have gender dysphoria. I only wish! I'm perfectly at ease as a man, and if anything I'm uncomfortable about presenting as a woman. I have a long way to go to be even remotely passable as a woman. I haven't even actually ever really tried. All I ever do is fantasize about it, and wank about it, and indulge in a bit of crossdressing. I think if I ever did try to transition, I would have an incredibly difficult time of it.

I've been getting heavily excited about transition before-and-after photos. I'm so envious of the people who have done it, and it fuels my fantasies. I let myself daydream about becoming a woman. I know that people who do actually have gender dysphoria have to live with an incredibly difficult burden. It's horribly shallow of me to wish I suffered from their affliction. It would give me a good reason for developing my fetish, and a goal to aim for. Instead, I have these delightful fantasies whose fulfillment would most likely make me deeply unhappy, and ironically grant me the gender dysphoria I currently and so callously envy, only in the wrong direction.

Dodging Another Bullet

As I explained in my last post, I'm away on business, so I packed myself some fun pajamas. At first, I had packed drab pajamas, and had hidden my girlie items as well as I could in side pockets. But after spending half the day anticipating it, and fantasizing about being bold about it, I removed my normal boy pajamas, and re-packed my nightie and panties along with my regular underwear. Excited, I then added one of my teddies. 

I arrived last night, painted my toenails, and slept in my nightie, as planned. It was a pleasant night's sleep. I dreamed of being caught with nail polish, and struggling to remove it, and woke up horny a couple of times. I woke up and went about my day.

I spoke to my wife on the phone in the evening, and she asked if I had found her surprise for me in my bag. I immediately jumped to wish fulfillment fantasies of her being supportive of my fetish, and sneaking in some of her own panties or something, but I knew that this was highly unlikely to the point of absurdity. 

It turns out she put a Valentine's day card in my bag! She snuck it in when I wasn't looking. She tucked it under my pants. Somehow, she narrowly missed my secret girlie stash! I almost got caught again!

That would have been a painful episode indeed.

I'm now wearing nail polish on my fingers, and sleeping in my teddy. 

Escalation and Elevation

When I was young and I had my stash hidden under my bed so I could indulge in my fantasies at night, I had a fear of taking them too far. I was very careful to slip into something feminine in my bed, under my covers, bedroom door closed, certain that everyone else in the house was asleep. I was terrified of getting caught. I had convinced myself that one of the greatest and most thrilling dangers would be to fall asleep in whatever I had worn, and wake up in it. Sleeping in something feminine became a cute fantasy of its own: where I normally only wore girlie stuff for brief moments, this would be over a much longer span of time; and the damage to my manhood would surely be much more severe. If only I could dare!

I finally went through with it once a few years ago. I had finally reached a milestone: sleeping all night in women's clothes. Such opportunities are rare indeed, so I've never done it again.

After I got caught, my thinking around this no-longer-secret fantasy changed. It's so much fun to wear women's clothes, but the real thrill is in feeling feminine. I often found that I didn't need to wear anything feminine to scratch my itch. It certainly helps, but my guilt led me to do it much less. I started to get off much more on the fantasy of becoming female, and not only wearing women's clothes, but doing all the things women do to accentuate their beauty. I especially started to appreciate painted nails, particularly in cold colors like blue, and most of all sparkles of all kinds. I found myself getting very turned on by women's nails! I had never paid them much attention before. Of course, that means I want to wear nail polish now.

I was watching a "girl for a day" type of video, and a boy became outrageously pretty as a woman. What really put me over the edge was the manicure. It's great to have put on some lingerie and a revealing outfit, and done up your hair and makeup. But if you've done your nails, too, you've really gone all the way!

All this to set up my current adventure: I'm travelling for work, so I get some time to sleep alone for a few nights. When I re-built my stash, I bought myself a nightie specifically so I could fantasize about having something feminine to sleep in if ever the opportunity came up. I snuck it into my suitcase, along with panties and my black teddy, with the intention of sleeping en femme for the duration of the trip. I had initially packed my usual boy pajamas, but feeling bold, I took them back out. I have no choice: my only sleepware for this trip is feminine!

And the icing on the cake: I found a drugstore near my hotel, so I got myself some nail polish. I already put it on my toes, where it will remain until the last day of my trip. I'm also experimenting with it on my fingers, but I still want to avoid detection, so I'm being careful.

I feel so liberated, and so excited!