What Am I Wasting My Time On?

I typically have no more than one day per week to indulge in my fantasies. I can't read sissy blogs or look at pictures of transsexuals when I'm at the office, and when I come home I have to do family stuff. That leaves the one day I work from home: I close the door to my home office, and while my wife runs errands with our toddler, thinking I'm hard at work, I can't help but secretly feed my fetish.

Ideally, if I had ample free time alone as I did when I was single, or if my wife knew and approved of my predilections, I'd be more able to get some writing done. Instead, I have to rush through my favorite sites to find something to wank to, and get it over with quickly before she comes home. I spend the rest of the day going back and forth between actual work and these idle fantasies.

So what exactly do I wank to?

As with most crossdressers, I am keenly interested in beautiful women. I've read about sex addicts who need to see something extreme before they can even come close to climax. I'm the opposite: I can wank to just about any picture if it's of a pretty enough woman. It's what goes on in my head that makes me come.

For example, this is what I jerked to today:

I found this by accident while price-checking some beauty product my wife asked for for Xmas. I've been obsessing over her most of the week. What makes her so unbearably hot is the notion that I could buy that dress, and those boots, and I could become that feminine.

I don't spend as much time as I used to window-shopping lingerie and swimsuits online. I've made all kinds of goo contemplating and even actually purchasing and wearing such things. In the last couple of years, I've found myself drawn to pictures of convincing crossdressers and transsexuals, and of genetic girls given photoshop penises. This all used to repulse me, but now it fills me with admiration, envy, and hope: how incredibly lucky they are to have become feminine! How I wish that could be me!

Commitment

It's hard to find the freedom to fantasize about being a woman at this time of year. All the same, the only way this blog can work is if I commit to posting something regularly. So that's what I'm trying to start now. I'm aiming for at least one post per week. I'll keep mixing fantasy and reality, but everything is clearly labelled, so there should be no confusion.

Meanwhile, I have to use my precious little time wisely. I'm continuing to work on some fantasy stories, but I can't help but spend a lot of it on just looking at dirty pictures and masturbating.

Yes, I'm Still Here...

It's been over a year since I've posted here. What a shame.

I've been writing my stories very slowly. There just isn't time, now that I have an active toddler. When I do get into the mood, which is still quite often, I'm consuming, not producing. I'm sorry, but I haven't got anything to show you.

My enthusiasm for cross-dressing has changed somewhat over the last year. It has gotten to the point now that whenever I do it, I feel rushed, so I end up climaxing long before I want to. Sometimes I don't even get a full erection. More often than not, I now either borrow my wife's things, or wear nothing and just fantasize while I wank. It has become much more of a cerebral activity. I rarely go to the trouble of digging out my stash anymore. In a way, I like it better like this. The duplicity wears on you after a while.

Thinking back, I used to take such huge risks. I used to wear swimsuits in the garage early in the morning while my wife slept. I no longer feel confident enough that I can get away with such things, and I no longer even feel that it's necessary.

Meanwhile, whenever we have sex, I'm secretly fantasizing about being her, or about becoming a woman. It's the only thing that turns me on. She still hasn't got the slightest clue.

Part of the reason I stopped posting here is that I'm not sure what this blog is for. What do I want to do here? There's such a huge mix of different things going on here that rather than try to continue doing something -- anything -- I just throw my hands up and write nothing. It feels like there are two voices here: the fun one with the sexy fantasies, and the depressing introspective meta-voice of this post. I'm beginning to wonder whether the two should never co-exist. I think they need different blogs.

I've noticed that the blogs that turn me on are most likely heavy on embellishment. Confessional stuff like this is pretty rare, and for a good reason: it's anti-climactic, for the most part. I don't feel quite right about feeding people all kinds of bullshit about my sex life, but I do feel like there needs to be somewhere to reveal these dirty little secrets of mine. As for my fantasies, they'd benefit from being unburdened by any pretense to truth.

Stay tuned. Things are going to change.